Surat Maryam and Comforting the Broken

In Surat Maryam, Allah tells us about the pain that Maryam (as) went through when in labor and about to give birth to Eesa (as). We are told:

‘Then the birth pangs compelled her to come to the trunk of the palm tree. She said, “If only I had died before this and been a thing forgotten, completely forgotten!”’ (19:23)

Many people focus on Maryam’s (as) statement “if only I had died before this!” - is it allowed? Can someone say this?

But few focus on the response:

‘So he called her from beneath her : “Be not sad; your Lord has made a stream beneath you. And shake the trunk of the palm tree towards you—it will drop ripe dates upon you.” So eat and drink and let your eye be comforted…’ (19:25-26)

It is evident that Maryam (as) was in pain - both mentally and physically. It is clear she was going through so much. When someone is in such a difficult state, the anguish they express is often raw and unfiltered.

And Allah’s response to her was not to say 'do not say that' or ‘more is expected of you’; rather, it was to comfort her. His response was in listening to her, and responding with sending His blessings upon her and helping her. The response to the pain expressed was support and affirming that Allah was there for her (“your Lord has provided beneath you a stream” (19:24)), not chastisement and scolding.

Of course, the first lesson we can take from this is to go to Allah with all of our emotions and our pain, knowing that He is al-Samī’ - He hears us and is there for us. Maryam (as) was open and real in her emotions.

The other lesson we can take concerns us and how we react when someone comes to us broken. The response in these few verses teaches us so much about the ethics of being listeners, particularly when someone is in the depth of their trial.

1- Listening
Once when I was young - 13 or 14 years old - I was going through intense physical pain. I felt that I was being stabbed in my body, and even fainted from the pain. I cried out, "why is this happening??!" I remember it vividly because I was desperate to know what was happening at a biological level - I was not actually questioning God. The adult who was with me said, "you should not say that." I remember getting even more upset at the lack of empathy and the misinterpretation of my words that, in my pain, I became rebellious and said, "I will say why. I want to know why. WHY is this happening", without clarifying what I had meant (i.e. the physical reason for my pain) because I felt the person did not deserve my explanation.

When someone comes to us with their pain, one of the best things is to meet them where they are by listening. Literature on advice to caretakers recommends listening and “forgiving changes in personality”. When someone is going through physical and emotional pain, naturally their reactions will reflect their exceptional circumstances. Chastising them or scolding them can increase the pain and make the person shut down, becoming less amenable to being helped.

2- Provide emotional and material help

We can try to relieve the pain or help in doing so. Allah, of course, knew the source of her anguish - physical and emotional pain - and His response addressed both of those needs. He said, 'do not be sad' because He would help to relieve both pains. Allah gave Maryam (as) an action to do - shake the tree - that would provide her with nourishment. He gave her strength. One might think that providing nourishment at this moment is not that useful - but it can mean so much to the person in pain. Offering concrete help, even in the form of a small gesture, can provide relief.

It was also moral support - Allah was there, hearing her, and would not forsake her in her hardship. One of the most important things is simply to know that you have support. And Allah gave her that.

3- Distract from the pain

Interestingly, what is even more significant about Maryam (as) being told to shake the tree is the relief a distracting activity can provide. She was going through extreme hardship; after recognizing and validating her sadness, she is given an action to do that, at least for a period of time, distracts her from her pain. This is a technique that is recommended to caretakers as well in certain situations. Depending on the circumstances, it may be appropriate for us to help relieve a person of their pain through a distracting activity, so that the pain is not amplified by the focus one is giving to it.

Allah teaches us some powerful lessons about being with a person who is experiencing pain and, crucially, what not to do. Simply saying, “I hear you, and I am here for you" can be the difference between increasing a person's feelings of despair on the one hand and giving them hope on the other. We can validate someone’s sadness, listen to them, and provide support as best we can. Our reaction should not be to try to belittle the pain or invalidate the emotions: rather, we do so much more good when we just listen and provide the support needed.

May we turn to the Qur'an as our guide in all matters.